Why is and isn’t the right question to ask.

Why there is abuse in the academy. The resources are few and competition is fierce. There is no incentive to collaborate. The path to recognition and reward is primarily independent research and production. The system is an indisputable hierarchy, built to support those at the top at the expense of those at the bottom. Nobody really wants to know. Nobody wants a problem. “Cream rises.”

How and what it feels like is another matter.

A couple of isolated incidents one can dismiss or put “over there,” an impediment, and just go on.

But a pattern emerged.

What I was and wasn’t allowed to do. The rules were different for me than for the others, and I didn’t have a rulebook. I wouldn’t know what the rules were until I had tripped over them. The rules kept changing.

But chin up can’t complain don’t want to be a problem be a grownup deal with it, it’s temporary, you’ll get out sometime go around don’t antagonize don’t mess things up with the other professors by being a tattletale they already were forced to be involved once to your and their great discomfort they have to think of you as a professional what did i do wrong you cant tell anyone it will only make things worse just deal with it don’t let them know you’re hurt don’t get labeled a head case just stay safe head down do the work you have nowhere else to go and if you want to get out or go anywhere else you have to go through them you need recommendations just play the game what is true is it just my imagination am i being too sensitive just need a thicker skin toughen up do i belong here need to do my job need to concentrate who is coming through the door just perform just show you can handle it you should be able to handle it why why why what did i do wrong how do i fix it why is it like this why am i being punished what am i being punished for need to show you can do it just show up and do it be good

Being always separated out, treated differently.

the day i was replaced on a committee. The yelling, the shaming, the invisible line I’d crossed without realizing it was there. What have I why I’m not here to upset anyone I just wanted to learn im happy to respect the boundaries but where are they just tell me where they are we can work this out

the ignoring. The exclusion. I am talking to a few people in the hall and she pointedly says hello to everyone but me, ignoring me. inside jokes. inside jokes in german she doesn’t think i understand, though i do. I go to class, I do all the work. I raise my hand. I’m not allowed to speak. This happens once (ok) twice (hmmm) three times (uhoh) and then the others begin to notice. Then one day I do get to talk and am told I am wrong, wrong wrong, no dialogue about it just shut down. The others get to play but I have to stand alone in the corner with a dunce cap on but I did the work why what have i i thought I was good at this play the game button your lip chin up you have to prove yourself do the work pay attention. Paper submitted, gone over it six times wait on tenterhooks maybe she will see that I can do it maybe it is easier to read then to call on me in class. The grades come in the lowest grade of my grad career what was I graded on I wasn’t allowed to talk in class but once or twice I haven’t gotten any improvement feedback. One, two, three of the others get their work returned, are allowed to rewrite for a better grade. ok hard grader i must respect that we must respect that I finally request my work back because it isn’t given, mailbox empty. No response its apparent i’m bugging her no paper guess it was not worthwhile. rinse and repeat the following term. almost predictable almost funny four terms of this. the final term, I do get my paper back in time for the feedback to make sense (sooner than 6 months to a year after submission this time) and I rewrite it for hours taking all feedback into account. some of my best effort, my best work. i just want to end on a good note. it improves my grade by .1

Classroom activity – The Piano Teacher. Sections are assigned around the room, starting in the side-middle of the room and I get my assignment last. Read aloud and discuss the scene where the student fetishizes the teacher and that was a smirk how to respond what am i being graded on chin up just be academic ignore it pretend you don’t realize she’s fucking with you dont react its a small thing and who even would believe you if you tried to explain it its in the novel after all just let the small stuff go maybe youre imagining it

our committee had submitted the cfp for review before sending it anywhere and she had approved it before it went out but it had been approved without the word “graduate student” in the title. It was published, and people began to respond our committee was convened and it was clear to her it was all my fault, my error, my responsibility, more yelling I was the fuckup, even more of one for daring to ask why. a couple more incidents like that it was all my fault i made sure someone else met with her on behalf of our committee so we could still have a conference the other students said omg you are so her whipping girl. chin up be brave for the other students let them know you can take it, aren’t giving up, aren’t giving in, just going on with it head down. she told us who our keynote would be after we had met three times about it, done the research and had set our sights on a different one

when are you leaving for the kade lunch what kade lunch what i thought you were invited she sent a mail to all the kades to meet the kade people for lunch i didn’t get the mail was it an oversight or was it intentional did i just get a kade out of pity or have i not proved my worth why wasn’t i invited hope the lunch was good i wasn’t invited

i need to take language classes alongside my others during the year to continue my language far enough to meet the requirements no that is too much you can’t take the language course but these three other students are well that is different but you should not take the language course it’s too much for you so I applied for a scholarship to take the language again over the summer but scholarship rejected because I had not taken the language course during the year.

abroad – hooray – we submit requests for places each year and each time i request berlin. a spot opened for Berlin and I was next on the waiting list I saw a spot opened and I’m next on the list and would like to go. oh I am ready send me home to berlin send me back where I can pick my pieces up that was where I started to build let me just go back and find things. No you can’t go you’re insensitive and opportunistic for even asking after someone had a tragedy its too late things are already set up but i didn’t mean to be insensitive truly im sorry i can make the travel arrangements and i can figure it out i am next on the list no. someone who was never on the list, who had never submitted an abroad request will go instead. there were rules and there was a list but they are different for you the list was fake for you why don’t you get that through your head why did you even ask if you can go everything here is fake for you

i heard that why does she hate you so much, what did you do that was so harsh of her the other students would sometimes ask me i don’t know well shes not like that with me they would say, though she can be a little bit tricky

two stressful parts of the term were the beginning – just starting off and the end – writing papers, grading and at those times there would always be more problems the attacks would intensify she wanted to get rid of me she wanted me to suffer help help help can’t let my students see me cry cant let the others know im hurt just hide from her stay alive how much longer can this go on shes right you know you do have an incomplete and its totally legit for her to remind you about it now of all times when everyone is busiest its totally legit you have to respect that but why now why today just before my presentation you have to show you can handle the stress

no you shouldn’t bother that professor with your project hes almost up for tenure and you need to respect his time let him do his research dont ask him about his area or that conference or ask him to help you transform your paper how could you be so selfish think of others we want to keep him dont we dont get him involved your work isn’t worth it

you need to take more classes in the department its required you don’t have enough but there were no classes offered that i hadn’t already taken because everyone was on leave