Last week, I found power in the naming, the telling, the presentation of power and accountability and responsibility to those it belonged to. In the best way I was able to.
A small, actionable request that would meaningfully improve my safety.
Sadly, they dropped it.
The spiritual pablum that accompanied it, ick. I did go find the context for the small out-of-context piece of the parable shared, the whole thing emphasizes caring for the structure as well as doing inner work – the combination of self and other in the world, from an ethic of doing no harm.
But maybe all of that doesn’t really matter; I’m proud of myself for finding the clarity and for standing in that spot, and refusing to house what doesn’t belong to me. Even if it came at a big cost – losing community. But the container broke for me, or I’ve outgrown it. Goodbyes are always hard and painful, but the structure and the response I got makes it impossible not to have to cut ties. Still bleeding about it, but maybe it will feel better tomorrow.
Just another blow in the series, I just wish it didn’t feel like such a repeat – jumping into a pool then someone removed all the water. My heart rate skyrocketed and my HRV dropped low again from where it had been recovering from.
It was my birthday about a week after this, but I just had to be where I am. It didn’t matter to much much this year. Maybe I’m marking time now by growth “opportunities” and this has been one of those which makes me feel like I’ve passed through a new threshold of inner and outer experience.
I walked away with my dignity and self-respect as the high note, but clarity still hurts, and it’s hard to say goodbye to the people I truly liked as I cut the threads.
Good Morning XXX,
I hope you’ve been well in these challenging times.
I’m currently observing a period of complete no-contact with (my ex) for health and safety reasons. I’ve blocked her on social
channels, but posts and messages featuring her image or workshops sometimes appear in group promotions, including
emails, newsletters, and Facebook group posts. While I mute the Facebook groups, the mute sometimes expires without notice and posts slip through. While I’ve configured my local XXX Meetup group to no longer email me event reminders, I still can’t avoid seeing “Workshop with Ex” event invitations while in Meetup to administer my bike group or look at other events.
These posts and messages have been trauma-triggering for me and continually set back my healing, affecting both my
well-being and my ability to participate in the community. They also reflect the ongoing power imbalance and, I’ve realized, lack of true mutuality, which made and makes full and fully safe engagement impossible. Thus, I’m requesting your assistance in ensuring that posts, messages, or materials featuring her do not appear in content I personally receive or see, so I can maintain my no-contact boundary and participate safely in the community.
I believe you recognize the implications of the asymmetries at hand, and thus the more extreme impacts of breaches of trust or broken agreements, and how this distinguishes the situation from a typical peer relationship. The unfortunate reality is that, without addressing these dynamics, no amount of self-regulation or personal empowerment can fully restore my sense of safety in XXX —which is necessary for me to be able to manage the more “typical” relationship triggers that arise in community interactions.
Making this request is difficult, but necessary to protect my well-being. Limiting my exposure would significantly reduce harm and allow me to continue participating in XXX’s work in a healthy and sustainable way.
Thank you for your understanding and for taking steps to support this boundary.
J.
Hi J,
One of the very biggest principles we teach is that of self-responsibility. In my own experience, when I try to locate my sense of safety as “out there,” dependent on what others do or don’t do, I feel disempowered. When I focus on how I personally can be with my hurt parts, and get out of my stories about others, I feel empowered.
I’m sad for you that your relationship with (ex) ended up feeling so harmful to you. But I do see it as incumbent on you to limit or modify your channels of content in whatever ways you need to, rather than relying on others to do that for you. To me, it does not seem reasonable or feasible for me to take on the burden of modifying my communications based on your or anyone else’s no-contact needs.
This Buddhist analogy comes to mind:
The Buddhist saying, often attributed to Shantideva, states, “Where would I find enough leather to cover the entire surface of the earth? But with leather soles beneath my feet, it’s as if the whole world has been covered”. This means it is futile to try to change the external world, but much more effective to change yourself. The quote advises that by controlling one’s own mind and responses, you can achieve inner peace and overcome external difficulties, much like putting on shoes protects your feet from the rough ground.
I send you compassion and healing wishes.
I also ask that you refrain from contacting me with further requests about this situation, since I think I’ve made my position
quite clear — so it’s really not a good use of time or energy for either of us to continue this conversation.