Last week, I found power in the naming, the telling, the presentation of power and accountability and responsibility to those it belonged to. In the best way I was able to.
A small, actionable request that would meaningfully improve my safety.
Sadly, they dropped it.
The spiritual pablum that accompanied it, ick. I did go find the context for the small out-of-context piece of the parable shared, the whole thing emphasizes caring for the structure as well as doing inner work – the combination of self and other in the world, from an ethic of doing no harm.
But maybe all of that doesn’t really matter; I’m proud of myself for finding the clarity and for standing in that spot, and refusing to house what doesn’t belong to me. Even if it came at a big cost – losing community. But the container broke for me, or I’ve outgrown it. Goodbyes are always hard and painful, but the structure and the response I got makes it impossible not to have to cut ties. Still bleeding about it, but maybe it will feel better tomorrow.
Just another blow in the series, I just wish it didn’t feel like such a repeat – jumping into a pool then someone removed all the water. My heart rate skyrocketed and my HRV dropped low again from where it had been recovering from.
It was my birthday about a week after this, but I just had to be where I am. It didn’t matter to much much this year. Maybe I’m marking time now by growth “opportunities” and this has been one of those which makes me feel like I’ve passed through a new threshold of inner and outer experience.
I walked away with my dignity and self-respect as the high note, but clarity still hurts, and it’s hard to say goodbye to the people I truly liked as I cut the threads.